How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
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Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I get distracted pretty eas
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!