I’m listening
You Might Also Like
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman