Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
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I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
My favorite female superhero
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn