Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
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me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”