I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
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Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
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im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.