My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
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*pokes sex life with a stick
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
sir, my pâté if you please
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”