The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
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Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.