Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
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Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They鈥檙e formulating a plan for it, which they鈥檙e calling the w眉rst/k盲se scenario
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Good boy 馃槀馃槀
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I can鈥檛 believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I could鈥檝e been a doctor. OK, so I don鈥檛 have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
i can鈥檛 believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 馃ス馃ス馃ス馃ス馃ス forgot how good the sims 4 is
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Human are so complicated
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.