100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
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[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.