To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
You Might Also Like
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
selfie game
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
The Backseat Boys
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*