This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
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It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.