I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
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Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am