All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”