I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
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Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
We like the way Dwight thinks
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?