People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
You Might Also Like
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake