Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
You Might Also Like
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
motivation
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.