Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
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I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.