I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.