Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
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Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure