The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
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my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.