I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
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19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.