[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
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Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
💯😂
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
This is not me but this is me
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?