“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
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older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.