if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
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Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.