ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
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Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My wife gives the best headache.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video