The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
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[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.