Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
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these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
⚠️ Important Reminder:
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.