Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
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I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Scream sneezers need love too.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Happy Taco Tuesday
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.