“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
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*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers