Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
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Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.