My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
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Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Camping tip: No.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything