My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
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That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Guilty! 🤪
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
$3 #books
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say