Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
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it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined