*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
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My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*