I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
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911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Just got to our Airbnb!
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed