flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
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Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?