After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
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You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
You are not alone 💚
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Sing it!
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?