My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
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Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I’ve been learning to cook.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Autocorrect completely socks
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.