Storm Tropical Storm
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[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope