When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
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I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.