ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
You Might Also Like
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
So creative 😂
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
i meant to share this earlier
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
How high do the levels go?
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota