I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
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women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.