a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
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One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Warm pools make me nervous.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records