[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
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Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…