Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
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We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious