when the buffet is more honest than your date
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We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
This chloroform smells expensiv…