[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
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If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.