I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
You Might Also Like
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.