*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
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noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
When your teen is already bigger than you are…