Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
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The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495